From someone I met once

Jennifer:

It’s never sat right with me—calling myself by that term. *SINGLE* Defining myself by the thing I lack.

I was genuinely more happy once I lost myself in my life and in possibility. 

my time isn’t about me “pampering myself,” it’s about me surviving...

I have diligently tried over the last two, maybe three, years to not let my relationship status deter or define me. (what I, Becky wish for again)

Becky's Voice now: 
In counseling today I told him that I want to drown myself.  Then at the end I told him I want to kill somebody.  Then I quoted from a pin:  I used to be a people person, but people ruined that for me. 


He says I see myself as "broken", but I am not. His advice, is to count my blessings.  I know that sounds clisha, but he didn't say it like that.  It's more about living in the positive now and, like Jennifer said, in possibility. 


The thing is I've felt broken my whole life. Elementary school, HS, My mission, College, YSA life- all of it- I felt broken, and I thought marriage would fix me- I'd have someone to love me, to put cement in the cracks and make me whole and better. Not just better, not sick anymore, but better as in a better me. I also wanted marriage so someone would take care of me. 


I got married and I got more broken and couldn't even take care of myself let alone him.  


Jason, my counselor says I'm not broken.  OK, I'll try and believe that. Depressed- yes, beaten down- yes, unsure- yes, but I am whole- I guess.  


Jewels song "Hands" ran through my mind in counseling.  

My hands are small I know but they aren't yours they are my own,

and I am never broken.... In the end, only kindness matters.

It makes sense on a level never felt before. So maybe this should be my new theme, the words I say to myself when I want to kill someone or kill myself or even just hurt kids or do nothing or... feel less than.  Those last 3 words, those are the words I've felt about myself for so long- so less than.  And you know what- that phrase is what my patriarchal blessing says I will do- help those less fortunate then me.  So, that means I can't be all that broken- right?  There are others more broken, others with less than what I have, so that should make that blessing list doable- right? 


I'm still trying to convince myself. I think you'll be able to tell when I believe it.